Id like to start out by stating that I loved that girl. My very next statement needs to be that I dont know if I really loved that girl. Not that I didnt care, or that I didnt want to be with her forever. It's more that I think that I just really expected her to want to change me. I had it set in my mind that I was going to be a 'trophy' husband. I would sit around and play out these wonderful scenarios of us living together and raising a family. I would tell her how well she would get along with the women in my family and I would talk about how much I could learn from her father.
The problem is that I never actually DID anything to make any of this come true. I told her that I would begin learning Chinese. I did pick up some beginner tapes from the library and an app for my phone ; I learned some phrases, one of which I can still say almost a year later {"I can/can not speak common language"< , but I never took it seriously. Almost everyday I had to reassure her that I had no problem moving to Washington DC with her. But then I would ignore or downplay her attempts to talk about how she didnt want to live with a man without being married.
This brings me to the present. A couple weeks before I started this blog and thought up this topic, I found myself really missing her. And hindsight shows me that we would date for roughly 6 months, then be broken up for roughly 8 months, and then date another 5 or so months, and then we broke up again, and so when I began missing her deeply that would be about the time she wouldve reentered my life. So I chose this topic because I realized maybe I was lying all along, even if I meant well.
With all the romantic relationships Ive had, Ive been great at telling women what they want to hear, but Iven't always been clear on what I actually want, even with myself. With my tendency to consider others before myself I can easily see where my mouth was cashin checks my butt couldnt cash by saying the 'right' things in the heat of the moment, but not fully believing it.
Within that time a few weeks ago, I kept saying things such as 'Id do anything to get her back' ; Now Im saying to myself in this blog that that's simply not true. Im not even doing what she said to do in the last thing she said to me {in a txt<, which was 'to give a dxmn about my life'. Since I broke up with her, Ive been lost and blaming the situation between us for the break up, which puts me in a victim mindset instead of taking full responsibility for what she knew all along : that I wasnt ready for a relationship. At least not a relationship that moved at the speed and magnitude in which she needed in order for us to move forward.
Basically she wanted someone to share her life with {which she told me many times< and I wanted someone to give me a life. I dont honestly think I was lying. But maybe I was misguided. I just wanna keep in the possibility that maybe we whirlwinded into a relationship and I didnt keep my part of the deal. Id take her back in a heartbeat, but birds cannot fly well in a cage.
"I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool.
Shoulda known better than to cheat a friend
A wasted chance that I've been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you..." ~ Seether - Careless Whisper
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